South Park Host Club
by Mioda Ibuki
Summary: For a festival, Cake Vibes decides that Kenny, Cartman, Stan, Kyle, and Timmy should do a Host Club. Everything goes well - except for Cartman, as usual. Kyman, but not enough to bother those who dislike the pairing. May be expanded to a two-shot later.


AN: Decided to write a short oneshot for the sheer fun of it with my OC. Tried to do well, dunno if I did or not. Enjoy~

A sign was placed outside that had been doodled on lazily by the blonde-haired girl currently directing the boys around. Cake Vibes, the partially Japanese-influenced, sweets-obsessed girl who had recently become a new member of the boys' friends, seemed to be the leader of this operation, although everyone involved seemed uneasy with her leadership.

"So, remind me what we're doing this for again?" The blonde, Kenny McCormick, feeling uneasy without his orange jacket about him, spoke up, crossing his arms, frustrated. "'Cause I don't see any fucking reason I should be here without a jacket on."

"This is a Host Club. We can make money, and you can win girls over." Cake stated, poking a plastic fork against her teeth. "All you have to do is stick to the stereotype I told you to stick to, and we'll be in the money. Okay?"

"So what the fuck am I?"

"Troubled but cute." Cake nodded slowly. "You're foul-mouthed but you have a good heart and you're really perverted but think a woman's body is only half of who they really are." She stated. Kenny sighed, and nodded slowly, returning to his position on a couch placed inside the school club room. The others inside were Stan, Kyle, Cartman, Butters, and Timmy. Cake had also dressed herself in the host club uniform, but she insisted that she wasn't part of the package, and that most should really really really go for one of the guys instead.

"And so. Troubled but cute, prince-type, class clown, intelligent and brooding, young and little-brother-sort, and most popular boy in class." Cake spoke. "And if needed, I guess I can be the energetic and cheerful girl who likes girls too."

"….You've never said anything with emotion or smiled your entire life. You told us that before." Kyle pointed out.

"Don't crush my fun." Cake frowned, and wrote 'Open' on the chalk board outside. Slowly, the school festival began, and people began to pass the host club.

"Ten bucks says all your 'girls' are male, Kahl." Cartman smirked, glaring at his rival/crush with unresolved-sexual-tension. Kyle glared at Cartman, and extended his hand, shaking.

"Good luck with your much more male patrons, 'class clown'." Kyle snickered, leaning back against the wall. Cake had begun to take a few orders.

"Yes, you want to visit the 'prince type'? Ah. Alright. Stan, you have one." Cake spoke up, pointing to Stan, who gave the girl his best smile.

"Hello, and welcome to the South Park Host Club! Right this way, madame." Stan extended his hand, and the girl followed in step, blushing deeply. Cartman sighed, pressing himself up against the wall, his cheeks puffed up. One for Stan, two for Butters, almost ten for Timmy, fifteen for Kenny, and even Kyle had gotten about three! But nothing for him. Growling, he gritted his teeth. The one group that had requested his type had run away when they found out who it was! At least they'd still left their money, but still! He glared around. Butters was making conversation with the two much-older girls who'd requested him – one with big knockers was even hugging him! Oh, bet he was enjoying that….Stan had gotten a few more, and they were all talking, laughing….honestly, he didn't get the concept of a host club. Why would girls just come to a café to talk to guys and have tea and cookies? It didn't make sense.

Besides, didn't Frenchie have tea-and-cookies parties all the time? This is pretty much the exact same thing, except much more gay.

He'd reached a conclusion.

Japan is weird.

And so the orders continued. More and more showed up for Stan, Kyle, Kenny, Timmy, and Butters, and Cake even got some of the girls into it. Cartman still had a score of zero. Zip. Nada. He sighed, glancing around again. Kyle was talking to that Rebecca Cotswold again. Oh, Jesus Christ, really? That bitch again? It almost made him sick as he looked away quickly. Timmy was serenading a group. Great. Leader of a band. Whoopee. Cartman frowned, and sat down on the ground, thinking about this. Cake had essentially forced them to stay all day by holding a giant knife to their necks, and the prospect of more money was inviting, but still….

"…Screw you guys, I'm going home…"

He muttered under his breath, and tried to dash for the exit, when four words stopped him dead in his tracks.

"One for class clown."

_Screeeeeeeetch!_

Cartman stopped, and glanced around, looking for the customer, seeing no one but Kyle staring at him with a small smile on his face.

"Um, so where's the girl?" He asked Cake. Cake shrugged, and pointed to Kyle, who shook his head, looking somewhat amused and somewhat resigned.

"Not a girl, fatass."

"….What? Kyle, are you a fag?" Cartman snapped, backing away.

"Was either me or trying to get Wendy to do it, and I think she's already busy." Kyle pointed over to the black-haired girl who was currently cuddling with Butters with a small smile on her face.

"…..Stupid Jew, you're not even worth my time."

"Cake explained to me that the purpose of a host club is to enjoy yourself, so why don't you at least try? C'mon." He grinned, extending his hand. Cartman paused, but then slowly stuck out his hand, grabbing the green-mittened hand in his.

"I'm not paying up, by the way."

"Like hell I expected you to. At least the customers I've got right now are twins…maybe we can score? They're blonde."

"Kick. Ass. Definitely. I might actually be growing to like you, Jew."

"Don't say it too much, or it'll bite you in the ass. We'll go back to hating each other again as soon as this thing is over."

And with that, the two boys walked off, just as Cake counted the money she was making, and slowly made a note that matchmaking between her friends seemed just as profitable as matchmaking between others.


End file.
